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Planetary Fart Attributed to Jim Bissel

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 20, 2010 by reggiereggie

Unless you’ve been living within a toxic cloud of volcanic ash for the last few days, doubtless you’ve heard of the volcano that erupted in known Communo-Socialist country Iceland which left those frogs in Europe scrambling for their bowler derbies and bumbershoots* to catch their lorries** and abscond to their luvvyboxes*** in an effort to escape flurries of ash. “Heavens me!” they cried, “A rain of dust! If only we weren’t filthy Europeans we might know how to clean it!”


“Bally good ash storm, wot?”

This smoke puff has grounded all European flights and cost airlines millions if not zillions of dollars in their funny little Monopoly money. Europeans are hopping mad and it isn’t because they had frogs’ legs for lunch (though they probably did). But who do you think these fancy tea-sippers across the Atlantic are blaming for ruining their travel plans to some moldy castle or stinking museum where they can peer at objets d’art over pince-nez eyeglass frames and cluck their cheese-smeared tongues? Us! The American taxpayer, of course! Iceland is broke as a skunk and so now look who’s gotta open our moth-eaten wallets and pony up some more dough for the cleanup. Incidentally, it is illegal to have a crucifix or Holy Bible within the country of Iceland. True fact.


“I say we do a blitz on this ash cloud and call an audible if we see it shift at scrimmage.”

I don’t have any proof, as yet, that those European crumpet busters are looking to rifle through the U.S. Department of Treasury like your mom’s pocketbook, but you know it’s coming. Because you know who is behind this whole volcano business: Jim Bissel. There’s only one key to the weather machine. Actually, the manufacturer provided two keys for the weather machine so there would be a spare, but Jimmy has them both anyway. This diabolical mastermind will stop at nothing until everything we hold dear is crushed under his sinister Nikes.

*European for “umbrella.”
**European for “taxi cab.”
***European for something poncy.

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Goings-on at the United SNAKES of AmeriCAN’T

Posted in The Truth with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on April 14, 2010 by reggiereggie

Here’s a little fact PRESIDENT O-BLAME-YA and the REPUBLICRATS in CON-GRESS won’t tell you: there is more crude oil bubbling beneath the supple crust of Mother Earth today than there has ever been. Oh that’s not what oil corpo-conglomo-medialets like WREXXON and (S)HELL will tell you. You won’t hear the truth from your fancy science makers at universities like HARM-VARD and FALE. They’ve got too much at stake, too many forces have aligned to trick American and worldwide SHEEPLE into thinking that oil is a precious, finite resource. And of course the entire thing is orchestrated by none other than Jim Bissel.

FACT: Crude oil comes from fossilized remains of prehistoric flora and fauna.

FACT: Recently, new species of dinosaurs have been found with more being found every day.


“Howdy! Fill ‘er up?”

FACT: There are over three-hundred and thirty different species of dinosaur cataloged by SLYENCE. Imagine a prehistoric era literally teeming with dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes, jammed together in a writhing knot just waiting to make gobs of that gooey, sticky oil we crave!

From these facts we can extrapolate that there were a lot more dinosaurs around in dinosaur times than dinosaur scientists first surmised. More dinosaurs = more oil. So today’s conservative estimates which predict some doomsday scenario wherein we will apparently have to battle Tina Turner in some sort of Thunderdome inside of the next twelve million years are based on old science, from a time before we knew there was a shitload of dinosaurs packed into every prehistoric nook and cranny like leathery, fanged sardines.

The question must be asked: WHO would be diabolical enough to manipulate so many disparate elements so as to have us believe that petroleum will be PESTOLEUM from the fabric of our great and ethically perfect society? WHO would benefit from it? WHO would be victimized by it? WHO, I ask you WHOM???