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The Hi-Story of Jim Bissel

Posted in The Light, The Truth, Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on April 27, 2010 by timlaska

I first learned of Jim Bissel when I was studying for my PhD in history from Dave William’s Backyard College in Huntsville, TN. It was during our Easter egg hunt for history where we would search for eggs that were decorated to represent certain times in history. I stumbled upon an egg that depicted the Knights Templar and the Crusade when I noticed a Knight who appeared to be wearing jean shorts over his chainmail and armor. Legend has it that the egg depicted the legendary and oft discussed Templar Leader James of the Bithle. It is said that during a raid into the holy land he found the arc of the covenent and used it to gain unlimited power and wealth.

When the Templars fell in the 1300’s King Phillip of France ordered numerous Templar leaders arrested, most wanted among them was James of the Bithle, but he was nowhere to be found. It was as if he vanished off the face of the earth. His disappearance was often sited as the reason for the onset of the Dark ages.

Midevil parents would frighten their children with tales of a dark knight named Bissowl who would travel the country side looking for naughty children to punish. There is truth to the origin of this tale, in that it is now known that James of the Bithle was said to have escaped King Phillip by hiding out in the closets of small children, he would then eat while they slept for sustanence.

It wasnt until the Enlightenment that there was another siting of Bissel. The great anti-clerical oratator James De Bess le who is best known for his influential work Thouest is Thou which is said to have inspired the Declaration of Independence. James De Bess le was considered a heritic by the Pope and was forced to flee Europe. After spending some time in Asia, legend tells that he found himself in a strange new land that eventually became known as the Americas.

Bissel next appears in Iroquois legend, in a tale about a white man with a magic box and long shorts made of an exotic fabric, which best translates into Denim. The stories of he who wears long shorts are still told today by the tribe elders

Eventually Bissel left the Natives to join up with the new European settlers but not before killing off the indiginous populations with Denim shorts filled with small pox.

While working iwth the new settlers, James Bisselsmith became close with all of the founding fathers and hipped them to his idea of a nation built under the guise of democracy and freedom but really was for gaining power for rich white men. Bisselsmith made all of the founding fathers masturbate into the arc of the covenent that he has managed to remain in possession of even today. This seed oath and the eventual forming of the United States as an illuminati front are part of Bissels master plan. Through out the years we have seen the reappearance of Jim Bissel under different alias including Adolf “Bissel” Hitler, Saddam “Biss-el” Hussain, Henry Kiss(el)inger, and most recently Dick “Bisselled” Cheney. But frightening new events lead us to believe that the end game is near as Jim Bissel has taken his original form. As the prophecy states he who walks with denim jorts walks among us, when hell and earth consumate. the end time is now my friends. prepare yourself and your families because there is nothing that can stop him.

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Planetary Fart Attributed to Jim Bissel

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on April 20, 2010 by reggiereggie

Unless you’ve been living within a toxic cloud of volcanic ash for the last few days, doubtless you’ve heard of the volcano that erupted in known Communo-Socialist country Iceland which left those frogs in Europe scrambling for their bowler derbies and bumbershoots* to catch their lorries** and abscond to their luvvyboxes*** in an effort to escape flurries of ash. “Heavens me!” they cried, “A rain of dust! If only we weren’t filthy Europeans we might know how to clean it!”


“Bally good ash storm, wot?”

This smoke puff has grounded all European flights and cost airlines millions if not zillions of dollars in their funny little Monopoly money. Europeans are hopping mad and it isn’t because they had frogs’ legs for lunch (though they probably did). But who do you think these fancy tea-sippers across the Atlantic are blaming for ruining their travel plans to some moldy castle or stinking museum where they can peer at objets d’art over pince-nez eyeglass frames and cluck their cheese-smeared tongues? Us! The American taxpayer, of course! Iceland is broke as a skunk and so now look who’s gotta open our moth-eaten wallets and pony up some more dough for the cleanup. Incidentally, it is illegal to have a crucifix or Holy Bible within the country of Iceland. True fact.


“I say we do a blitz on this ash cloud and call an audible if we see it shift at scrimmage.”

I don’t have any proof, as yet, that those European crumpet busters are looking to rifle through the U.S. Department of Treasury like your mom’s pocketbook, but you know it’s coming. Because you know who is behind this whole volcano business: Jim Bissel. There’s only one key to the weather machine. Actually, the manufacturer provided two keys for the weather machine so there would be a spare, but Jimmy has them both anyway. This diabolical mastermind will stop at nothing until everything we hold dear is crushed under his sinister Nikes.

*European for “umbrella.”
**European for “taxi cab.”
***European for something poncy.